Ranting

So, in the past when I started feeling down about things I could ask myself "What are you doing to better the situation?" and the answer was usually "going to school." Today I realized I officially have an associates degree in Medical Specialties.  No fan fair please.

Things here still suck. No magical wand making things better, just an unemployed loaf, dreading the day when I check the mailbox and the student loans have come due.

Still have a stack of bills from here to there.

I really did not start this blog to bitch all the time! God knows, I hate whiners and am getting sick of listening to myself piss and moan all the time.

 I do hope to have good news to report one day.  Is it materialistic of me to want to have the stability that if I see a cute outfit for one of the kids, to be able to buy it without wondering if it would break the bank?  Stability for us would be paying off the bills before new ones have come.
Is that really too much to ask?  Apparently for the moment, it is.

All year we have been a paycheck away from disaster and we have pushed on to the next just fine and then to the next. Well... that paycheck or lack there of, has come.

I am used to being poor, been poor all of my life. Used to stretching a penny as far as that sucker will go. But just because I am used to it, doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean I can't hope to escape this hole that we have been digging ourselves into. Hope is a funny thing though, I have decided.  While it is human nature to hope, that is all we have sometimes, but if hope fades then what do we have?
We have a problem.

I have been a self motivated person since I can remember. I have also had to work very hard for everything I have, nothing comes easy to me. I am untalented, ( no, really... its O.K! I know...) and that is alright with me. I just wish for once I could do SOMETHING to help bring our family out of this rut. I had hoped for a job at the clinic. Hell, the timing would have matched up perfectly, but alas another let down.

Things have got to get better.

Life.

It sickens me that I have spent countless hours working towards bettering myself and my family's life through school, only to get online today and find a whopping 2 jobs in my desired field. I have let everything go this last month, working 50 hr weeks to get it done. Now everything is a mess.

We are behind in our bills, and as usual are planning to use our hefty tax return to bail us out. God willing, there will be enough of it to spread around. Husband is on the couch all week, he has already put in a resume at a few places, and applied for unemployment benefits. Score Husband 2, me 0. My big accomplishment for the day was folding one load of laundry. Ha ha, so sad. 

I did finally get to drop my little gal off at preschool for the first time. My husband had set everything up during my last push for hours, and my friend who was watching the kids had taken her a few times. I had not even met the teachers yet, and when I dropped her off today she wouldn't let me go. I had never had a problem with that before, the other kids couldn't wait to get rid of me. So I stayed and watched her and her class eat breakfast before I made my big break for it.  She knew something was up, and I caught her watching me as I turned for the door, she immediately started screaming as I weakly said " I love you!!! Have a nice day!"  while I was running for the door.

Thankfully she was all smiles when I returned 3 hours later to get her.

Well...That's done. Now what?

 I will save you the details and just say that I am done with my externship. On the one hand I am glad to have it done, but on the other I am sad to see it go. It is interesting to me, the cornucopia of personalities that were in that one building, and how they managed to effectively ignore or avoid each other until communication was some how beneficial to them.
 Yeah, not sure how I would have dealt if I had gotten the job. Oh well, such is life. 

Husband is officially down to the wire with work. He will probably be "riding the couch" so to speak tomorrow or the day after. Which leaves me pondering my next move. Do I search the world over for the jobs that are supposedly out there, or continue going to school just to put off the loan payments that are sure to come should I stop? Hmmm...

On today's agenda: laundry, picking up the house, light shopping, and playing with my little ones! :)