I AM A MESS

I feal like crying. I don't even know where to start. My husband drives me crazy, my kids drive me crazy. I guess I must be crazy. I love them...I just can't stand them. We are having problems rite now, us and the rest of the world, rite? Yeah. I know. The money thing is only part of the problem. I feal like I am only happy while I am at school. Then I come home and...lose something along the way. Myself perhaps? I guess when I started going back to school it felt good to just be ME. Not MOM, or WIFE. Just ME. Now I am afraid I want more of ME. I am turning into a terrible mother. I origionally stayed home with our first child because I thought who better to teach him then his mother? No one could possibly love him more then me?
Maby in retrospect this was not such a good idea. I am not a patient person, by any means, and may have been too hard on him. He has never been what you might call an easy child, and I know he gets alot of his lesser qualities from me. Fast forward 8 years, and four kids later. With summer here and all of the kids home, I have no time to do ANYTHING. The bigger kids slack with their meager chore list, and it is me who has to "put them back on track"; I get so tired of nagging. I am sure it does no good at all, I just feel like I have run out of options. I fight the little ones to take a nap for what feels like an eternity. They lay there rubbing their eyes and waving their legs around in an effort to keep themselves awake. Every day feals like a fight. I am miserable. I know the kids probably are too. We are broke. So so broke. My Husband had not worked more then 20 hours (if that) in the last 3 weeks and the uber expensive house payment, that we bought for top doller when the market was high, is late. with no hope for refinance. ever. AND as though that is not bad enough my husband had the church (utahs prominent religion) pay for half of last months mortgage. I, mind you, am not a member. I feal as though I have to go now though, for lack of options. Witch makes me feel as if I will be recieving a one way ticket to HELL, DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS. I feal like the worlds biggest hipicrite. I who like tatoos and coffee and can swear with the best of them. I who see nothing wrong with drinking( in moderation). The people in the church are all soo nice and sweet and caring, I mean absolutly no disrespect what so ever to them!! I just..dont...belong...there. I don't feel the things I do will earn me my way to hell, if I did I woulden't be doing them. HOWEVER the people at the church do believe that and I am sort of over a barrel. I feel like I have been bought. Soul and all. I do not know what I can do to better my situation. Witch pisses me off more. I am going to school. I am thinking of getting a part time job, but with me only being able to work crappy NO SKILL jobs I am not sure that will even put me with enought to cover the baby sitter for the two littler kids, let alone the older ones. I feel like the harder we try the behinder we get. I know when my hubby comes home from work(when there is work) he has worked his hands to the bone. I know that I feel like I work all of the time, even if it is just with the kids and in the house. I just want to be comfortable. not rich. I would just like to pay my bills and take my kids on one stinking vacation before they are too old to even want to be seen with me. That seems far off from where we are now. I guess I should sell my animals. Those are the things that keep us here though. They are like an investment in our future, and for every bit we spend on them we know we will get so much more in return in eggs, and meat. Not to mention company. I still feel like I could cry, but I feal alittle better now. Now that I have beared my soal to the whole wide internet about what a friggen mess I am. Awe who am I kidding, I know noone reads this shit!