just cause

gym membership

It seems by fate or fortune I have a 2 week pass to a local women's gym. Their daycare leaves something to be desired, as there was approximately-10 one year old's ( all with snotty noses) wandering around whining looking for their mama's.

 However, last night after math class I was able to sneak into a yoga class there. And let me tell you: It has been AWHILE since I have even attempted to do anything remotely coordinated. I used to, (about three children ago) stand in my living room and do the yoga on tape, thing. While hoping and praying my neighbors could not see through the curtains.

At any rate. It felt so good to stretch and bend my flab that I am entertaining the idea of getting a membership there. My body is not what it once was, and chasing lil ones around doesn't seem to burn the calories one might think. At very least it could give me an out. A quiet hour to myself a week, to do something nice for myself.

Still alive.

 I feel like it is so unfair that I am still alive, when the best mother and friend that I know is not. So most days I feel like John Coffee in the Green Mile; a huge, over grown blubbering black man, begging to be put out of his misery. “They kill’s um with they kindness, boss.”

 I can identify with that completely.  I seem to alternate between that, and pretty much being a cynical ass.  My poor family!

On my good days I am able to do things for people. Just little things like getting a guy who has locked  his key’s in his car a hanger, or giving a person a lift to the gas station, or bringing a car load of food to a friend who needs it more than me.

 It drives my husband nuts, but I remain convinced that he would do the same if given the opportunity. It is because he fears for my life and doesn’t wish to come home from a hard day at work to find me chopped up in the living room, that he gets annoyed.

Anyway it seems to validate that I am still alive and that I do still matter, even if it is just to do some random acts of kindness.

I don’t write as frequently as I should. Mostly because things are much the same, we do the day to day rituals that make time go by so quickly at times, also I am afraid of being a little crazy. As though by losing someone close to me I have somehow fragmented my soul , and am as a  broken glass waiting for the right moment to leak and surprise some unsuspecting drinker.

Emotions have a way of finding your mind unaware and planning a sneak attack cry day, unbeknownst to you. It is amazing the stupid lines that a mind will draw in order to make sense of unimaginable loss.  

I guess I best make the most of this life. It’s the only one I have.