blech

 My mouth feels so dry. Have I cried so much in the last 24 hours that I could have dehydrated? Is that even possible?

I try to seek out monotony through facebook only to find an open chat window and a barrage of well meaning posts in memorial to my friend.

All I want to do is think about something else. To wake up from this terrible and twisted nightmare, and not have to relay and relive it to everyone I know.

no more tears left to cry

On my last post I mentioned a good friend who had a talk to give on Sunday in church about charity. She had been nervous all week about speaking in front of her church. Incidentally, this is the same friend who stayed with us and watched my 5 children for a month and a half while I got my externship done

. The same friend who would buy me lunch against my protests even though she had no more money then I did. The friend I was supposed to meet today to study with.  The friend I talked to this morning.

 She died today.

She left behind a sixteen year old boy, a thirteen year old girl, and her youngest was only 9.

She had a blood clot in her leg, she knew she did. It seemed to be getting better, so she did nothing and I did nothing. I had threatened to drag her kicking and screaming to the hospital- several times, but I didden't. Last week she fell on some ice outside of a gas station, she twisted her knee up pretty badly. She had told me that she had passed out a time or two since then.( probably the blood clot going to her lungs,) and again she assured me she would be fine. Her husband is a nurse and he thought she may have been anemic, hence the passing out.

I stood in my living room not more then a week ago and told her that I wasn't going to go to her funeral just because she was too stubborn to go the hospital. She laughed and said she was feeling better and everything would be fine. Her funeral will be next week sometime.

I thought her husband was messing with me, when he answered the phone and matter of factly told me that she was dead. How could she be dead? I did not believe him. I thought he was messing with me, and assured him that this was NOT funny. Then his voice cracked as he said it again, and my whole world went crazy as my brain struggled to figure out how someone I had just spoken to hours before, who was supposed to be THERE, could be dead. I walked most of the day in a dangerous, confused, stupor. I went to the morgue      (the last place in the world I wanted to be,) with her daughter and family. I leaned over and kissed her forehead and told her she looked like crap, I told her how sorry I was. Why are words never enough?

 I am so mad at myself, and her, and God. I don't know what to do, except hug my kids and wish she were there to hug hers tight tonight. She was such a great mom, and person. The kind of person who lights up a room when they walk into it.I hate cliche's, but that's how she was. She would do anything to help anyone.

The world holds in it one less walking angel.

charity

 A good friend of mine was recently asked to give a talk in church on charity. Which got me thinking about   the charity I have received.

Honestly I prefer to be the giver, so it is hard for me to know what to do when  I am given something that is desperately needed. I have been very fortunate to have  been blessed with several of these occasions. Where I stand there not knowing what to do or say. Just stand, with my mouth gaping like a fish gasping for water. My face betraying a reel of every possible emotion, twice.

Words are just not enough to express the levels of certain feelings. Sometimes all you can do is say "thank you", as anything else just seems inappropriate and ungrateful. It would appear that part of charity is knowing when to be gracious and humble enough to accept it.

One day I hope to be able to repay or pay forward, as it were, the charity's and blessings that my family has been so fortunate to have received over the years.