muddeling through

 I have been wandering as if through a fog inside my own mind for 3 of the longest days of my life. Every time I think I am alright, even for an hour, I see something that reminds me of her. And I start all over again. I think I am getting better though. I can almost go 2 hours now.

I told my kids that Melissa had passed away and was an angel in heaven watching us. They didn't seem to understand, they are young and their only experiences with death have been with older people.

 Yesterday the walls were closing in on me at home and I had to get away. I ended up at my cousins house, same place I usually go when I run off. Her very wonderful mother in law who loves my kids as though they were her own grandchildren, was there.

 She noticed that Charlotte (my middle girl) had gotten her hair cut, and commented on how cute it was. Charlotte from across the room came over to announce that "Melissa was dead." It was Melissa who had cut her hair, just weeks ago.

Last night she came into my room and said she had a bad dream. I asked her what it was about, and she told me it was about "Lissa" in a room that wasn't a bedroom, with flowers. And she was dead.  I asked her if the room looked like a church, and she looked at me like "how did I know that!" and said "YA!"

I think she understands now. :(  The funeral is Wednesday and I had been debating on whether or not to take the younger kids. Guess they are going.

 There have been so many things that could not be a coincidence. I could write about them all day, but I won't. I really do like to keep some things private, to myself. Like a secret memory just for me. I hope that doesn't sound entirely selfish, but I don't  care too much if it does.

Melissa was a rare kind of person. The kind of person that you could have coffee with one afternoon and feel as though you have known all of your life. She was so warm, fun and full of life. She was a big girl and had a tough life, but she would have done anything she could have to help anyone, and often did. Even at the expense of her own family. She believed firmly in teaching by example. 

 I hate it when someone dies and they instantly become an innocent having never done wrong, it dehumanizes them. Having put much thought into it I still can not really think of anything negative.

 She was stubborn, but she had a wonderful sense of fairness. One thing that I admired and love about her was that she could say the things that I never could. She could, to use her favorite saying: " tell 'um where the bear shits in the woods." 

Meaning that she could be assertive without being abiotch, say what she had to say but somehow it always came out in a nice way, even when it was something that you didn't want to hear.

She was fiercely protective of her kids, family, and friends. Which included damn near everyone she met. She was genuine, never fake. Never one way with one set or friends and one way with another. God I loved that about her.

Even as I sob and type and try to see through tear soaked eyes and glasses. I still can't believe she is gone. I am so grateful for every minute with her.

I would get home after working a 12 hour shift and she would tell me all about what my kids did that day. We would talk like we hadn't seen each other in years, much to the annoyment of my husband in the same room trying to hear is shows.  He loved her too though. Every one did.