I wish to recant my previous post.

 I am most definatly not ok. I am throwing a pity party. I thought that the good guy always won. I thought that the person who wanted it the most would win the job at the end of the rainbow. I am hurt, more frustrated then I have ever been in  my life. I am pissed off at myself for not being better. for not doing better.

Hello world...

 I have to admit I am feeling fragile today. The last few weeks have been crazy, I am just taking things as they come. Not sure it it is the best strategy, but it is the only one I have got.

The externship is almost through, and I feel like I have been living there more and more lately. One side of the clinic loves me and the other smiles to my face and then talks about me as I walk away, I am sure that's not good. I have no idea what I could have done to deserve this, but I have pretty much decided that I don't care anymore.

 One possible cause for the talk, is that they have decided to hire the other extern. The one who doesn't come in when she is scheduled, didn't actually do any of her own work throughout school, and is quite frankly, bitchy. She will fit in nicely.

I have resolved myself to accepting the crummy grade that I will surely be receiving for this experience, even though I have been there early everyday for the last month and a half, and feel I have done my best.
That is fine, I guess I earned it.

I have admitted I am not the person who "gets things" the first time, but I like to think I  do "get them" eventually, I can also admit that my charting wasn't the best, and that I do have trouble filling the uncomfortable silences. But all in all would call the whole experience a good one, I have learned a lot. I feel as though I have ran by butt off and done my best. I suppose that is what it is really about. It always sucks when you feel the effort you have put into something, doesn't match up to the results given, but "What can ya do?"  I know I have done my best, and for that I can walk away happy regardless if the outcome sucks.  It all works out for the best in the end, and I have to keep believing that.

Things at home are about the same. Crummy. Husband is getting laid off any day now, and as anyone who has ever worked construction knows, he is working himself out of a job more everyday.  My daughter cut her hair, actually that is an understatement. She scalped herself.

THIS TO SHALL PASS...

Just me...

 Here again. After hrs of filing, rooming patients, emptying barf buckets, lysol-ing rooms, and generally running around like a chicken with her head cut off wondering what I should be doing, or could do next ( not to mention countless hours of lying in bed at night obsessing.) I have made it through another week.

Hour count = 72ish? / 160 Thank God for my good friend who is virtually living with us, and becoming a second mother to my kids, for without her my life would be a total wreck right now.

Christmas was good. Busy, but good. It came and then it went. I am finding it interesting how being a stay at home mom for @ ten years and then finally returning to the workforce is changing my point of views. And I thought time went by fast while I was home.. it goes by so much faster now. But still... I like it.
 And I am muddling through. I have never claimed to be graceful.
Never claimed to be brilliant.
And I am not...I am a space case, that will inevitably make every mistake there is to be made. Twice. But eventually I learn. And will become confident, and when I am... Then everything will be right with my little world. Now if you excuse me... my little gal is in the other room screaming, and I can't stand to hear her cry when I have been away for so long. I have to get my loving before bedtime! :) Peace out.