The nightmare continues...

in this dream my husband gets laid off and is no longer searching for work, my best friend dies, and I may loose my home. Oh wait that's not a dream that is my pathetic life.

 I just zoned out and chopped all of my hair off...What the hell is wrong with me?  I am sure someone out in blog land has ten different psychoses and twenty little purple pills that will make it all go away.

My husband remains annoyingly optimistic for a guy who has been laid off and not looking for work for about two months.

Why is it that the one person who I would call ten times a day for stupid shit, who would not placate me and give me the canned answer 'that everything will be OK' has died.

How selfish is it of me to wish her here for my own stupid mental health, which has always been questioned anyway?

Anyone out there want to rent to some unemployed bum's with five kids, two dogs, four goats, and a cow?

balance is an art I have yet to master.

Kids still have to go to school, the super bowl stops for no man, and things around here have been OK.

I went to the kid's parent teacher conferences, always a joy. Made some munchies for the super bowl and proceeded to stuff my face and wait for the commercials, even had my mom and brother over.

We are hanging by a thread. A thin, over stretched, swaying tight rope. Waiting.

I wonder how many other family's depend on getting a tax refund to pay off the debt they have accumulated over the year? Too many I am sure. This is the year I cut up the credit cards. FOR GOOD. I am sick of finally getting a break, and thinking that we might be able to get ahead only to realize that filling your own debt hole is not getting a break.

 It is sad, and we did it to ourselves.

The job hunt continues. Husband went to SLC yesterday to take a test for an electromechanics job, working on the trax train the pay would be awesome. He doesn't seem to think he did very well on the test though, so only time will tell.  Me...I don't know what I am going to do. I had it all figured out, Melissa and I were going to conquer the world...or at least the school. I don't know if I can do it alone. I am thinking I will start over at the university taking their prereqs to buy me time to pull my head out of my butt. It may take awhile.

The funeral.

 The funeral was hard, I took the kids, making it harder. Everything was beautiful,  seen many friends I would love to see again under better circumstances. Her family seems to be healing well, many of them spoke. Telling stories of the many fun and funny things Melissa had done.They were witty, just like her.

  Her daughter got up on the podium and spoke of how much she was going to miss her mother, and how she knew she would see her again. Not a dry eye in the house.

Her casket was Mary Kay pink.

 Last summer she talked about nothing else, but earning that damn pink Cadillac.  I am pretty sure, she was thinking a faster model, but she hardly has a need for that now.

My roller coaster seems to be evening out a bit. Mostly I just miss my friend. 

It is easy to get wrapped up in day to day things and not realize what we have anymore, until something like this comes along to rattle our cages and remind us how fragile, and precious life is.

Every day is a gift, you can give back or let it go but there may not be another. Carpe diem.

Kiss the ones you love let them know how much you treasure them. Squeeze them tight and tell them you love them.