muddeling through

 I have been wandering as if through a fog inside my own mind for 3 of the longest days of my life. Every time I think I am alright, even for an hour, I see something that reminds me of her. And I start all over again. I think I am getting better though. I can almost go 2 hours now.

I told my kids that Melissa had passed away and was an angel in heaven watching us. They didn't seem to understand, they are young and their only experiences with death have been with older people.

 Yesterday the walls were closing in on me at home and I had to get away. I ended up at my cousins house, same place I usually go when I run off. Her very wonderful mother in law who loves my kids as though they were her own grandchildren, was there.

 She noticed that Charlotte (my middle girl) had gotten her hair cut, and commented on how cute it was. Charlotte from across the room came over to announce that "Melissa was dead." It was Melissa who had cut her hair, just weeks ago.

Last night she came into my room and said she had a bad dream. I asked her what it was about, and she told me it was about "Lissa" in a room that wasn't a bedroom, with flowers. And she was dead.  I asked her if the room looked like a church, and she looked at me like "how did I know that!" and said "YA!"

I think she understands now. :(  The funeral is Wednesday and I had been debating on whether or not to take the younger kids. Guess they are going.

 There have been so many things that could not be a coincidence. I could write about them all day, but I won't. I really do like to keep some things private, to myself. Like a secret memory just for me. I hope that doesn't sound entirely selfish, but I don't  care too much if it does.

Melissa was a rare kind of person. The kind of person that you could have coffee with one afternoon and feel as though you have known all of your life. She was so warm, fun and full of life. She was a big girl and had a tough life, but she would have done anything she could have to help anyone, and often did. Even at the expense of her own family. She believed firmly in teaching by example. 

 I hate it when someone dies and they instantly become an innocent having never done wrong, it dehumanizes them. Having put much thought into it I still can not really think of anything negative.

 She was stubborn, but she had a wonderful sense of fairness. One thing that I admired and love about her was that she could say the things that I never could. She could, to use her favorite saying: " tell 'um where the bear shits in the woods." 

Meaning that she could be assertive without being abiotch, say what she had to say but somehow it always came out in a nice way, even when it was something that you didn't want to hear.

She was fiercely protective of her kids, family, and friends. Which included damn near everyone she met. She was genuine, never fake. Never one way with one set or friends and one way with another. God I loved that about her.

Even as I sob and type and try to see through tear soaked eyes and glasses. I still can't believe she is gone. I am so grateful for every minute with her.

I would get home after working a 12 hour shift and she would tell me all about what my kids did that day. We would talk like we hadn't seen each other in years, much to the annoyment of my husband in the same room trying to hear is shows.  He loved her too though. Every one did.

blech

 My mouth feels so dry. Have I cried so much in the last 24 hours that I could have dehydrated? Is that even possible?

I try to seek out monotony through facebook only to find an open chat window and a barrage of well meaning posts in memorial to my friend.

All I want to do is think about something else. To wake up from this terrible and twisted nightmare, and not have to relay and relive it to everyone I know.

no more tears left to cry

On my last post I mentioned a good friend who had a talk to give on Sunday in church about charity. She had been nervous all week about speaking in front of her church. Incidentally, this is the same friend who stayed with us and watched my 5 children for a month and a half while I got my externship done

. The same friend who would buy me lunch against my protests even though she had no more money then I did. The friend I was supposed to meet today to study with.  The friend I talked to this morning.

 She died today.

She left behind a sixteen year old boy, a thirteen year old girl, and her youngest was only 9.

She had a blood clot in her leg, she knew she did. It seemed to be getting better, so she did nothing and I did nothing. I had threatened to drag her kicking and screaming to the hospital- several times, but I didden't. Last week she fell on some ice outside of a gas station, she twisted her knee up pretty badly. She had told me that she had passed out a time or two since then.( probably the blood clot going to her lungs,) and again she assured me she would be fine. Her husband is a nurse and he thought she may have been anemic, hence the passing out.

I stood in my living room not more then a week ago and told her that I wasn't going to go to her funeral just because she was too stubborn to go the hospital. She laughed and said she was feeling better and everything would be fine. Her funeral will be next week sometime.

I thought her husband was messing with me, when he answered the phone and matter of factly told me that she was dead. How could she be dead? I did not believe him. I thought he was messing with me, and assured him that this was NOT funny. Then his voice cracked as he said it again, and my whole world went crazy as my brain struggled to figure out how someone I had just spoken to hours before, who was supposed to be THERE, could be dead. I walked most of the day in a dangerous, confused, stupor. I went to the morgue      (the last place in the world I wanted to be,) with her daughter and family. I leaned over and kissed her forehead and told her she looked like crap, I told her how sorry I was. Why are words never enough?

 I am so mad at myself, and her, and God. I don't know what to do, except hug my kids and wish she were there to hug hers tight tonight. She was such a great mom, and person. The kind of person who lights up a room when they walk into it.I hate cliche's, but that's how she was. She would do anything to help anyone.

The world holds in it one less walking angel.