FREAK OUT MUCH?

Yeah I do. I obsess and stress-out over everything. I am hard on myself and have always pushed myself to do more, to do better, and be better. If I get a 92% on a test, you can bet that I will remember the questions I missed next time. I can't let go of those minor losses.  However, I seem to judge everyone else by a different standard. Try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

lilhouse kids

On Saturday I went in to the clinic to get my externship packet.  I finished my hours on Tuesday of the week and was asked to give the alleged head MA until Friday to get the papers in order. Done.

Well, despite the fact that she had only worked with me the first week and a half, she had filled in  all of the evaluations herself.  After I had even offered to take them around myself to the people I had been working with, because I kinda knew she might do this...and guess what? That's right...the witch with a capitol B made it sound like I had done nothing since I had started there. The break down was this: both sides hate each other and by naturally fitting in more with one side I had alienated myself from the other ( more pit-bull-ish) side.

Let me tell you it is a good thing, for her, that she was not there that day. I have never been more frustrated and pissed off in my entire life.  I would have hurt her. Little Ole non confrontational me would have ripped her damn head off and shit on her lifeless body.  Grade aside, she screwed me in every sense of the word.

 For two nights I dreamt of the injustice of it, and how on earth I would explain to my dean what had happened.

Today I went in to take him the file, with my stomach tied in knots and a lump in my throat I waited in his office like a child in the principals office. He came in, glanced at the folder and as I was trying my best to condense my version of the truth he seemed to be only half way listening as he added up my hours.

After I was through he looked at me like a father might look at his own dense child, and he said " It  really doesn't matter, your done. Congratulations, you have earned an associates degree in Medical Specialties."   I stammered on, staring at the closed file on this desk, unable to let go of how much this had been bothering me. He told me as he ushered me out the door that I shouldn't let one person's opinion of me get under my skin so much, and then assuming the meeting was over I just went home.

I really do like that man.

Now that the pressure is off and the thing is done, it is easy to look back and see that if I wanted any respect from the pit bulls I should have nipped the confrontational BS in the butt early on, instead of tolerating it obediently. "Hi my name is Lilhouse mama, and I'm a door mat." I guess acceptance comes before change. And as for the other, I guess obsessing is just what I do... It is the same quality that makes me practice and practice until I am better. Unfortunately it also makes me crazy...but that's just who I am.


I will post  some much needed pictures, I figure anyone who can listen to me bitch for this long without thinking I am a complete nut job should at least get to see some of the most wonderful things in my life. My little ones. Peace out Meadowlark. You are one cool Chicky! :)



 

newest addition born 7/29/2010

Ranting

So, in the past when I started feeling down about things I could ask myself "What are you doing to better the situation?" and the answer was usually "going to school." Today I realized I officially have an associates degree in Medical Specialties.  No fan fair please.

Things here still suck. No magical wand making things better, just an unemployed loaf, dreading the day when I check the mailbox and the student loans have come due.

Still have a stack of bills from here to there.

I really did not start this blog to bitch all the time! God knows, I hate whiners and am getting sick of listening to myself piss and moan all the time.

 I do hope to have good news to report one day.  Is it materialistic of me to want to have the stability that if I see a cute outfit for one of the kids, to be able to buy it without wondering if it would break the bank?  Stability for us would be paying off the bills before new ones have come.
Is that really too much to ask?  Apparently for the moment, it is.

All year we have been a paycheck away from disaster and we have pushed on to the next just fine and then to the next. Well... that paycheck or lack there of, has come.

I am used to being poor, been poor all of my life. Used to stretching a penny as far as that sucker will go. But just because I am used to it, doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean I can't hope to escape this hole that we have been digging ourselves into. Hope is a funny thing though, I have decided.  While it is human nature to hope, that is all we have sometimes, but if hope fades then what do we have?
We have a problem.

I have been a self motivated person since I can remember. I have also had to work very hard for everything I have, nothing comes easy to me. I am untalented, ( no, really... its O.K! I know...) and that is alright with me. I just wish for once I could do SOMETHING to help bring our family out of this rut. I had hoped for a job at the clinic. Hell, the timing would have matched up perfectly, but alas another let down.

Things have got to get better.

Life.

It sickens me that I have spent countless hours working towards bettering myself and my family's life through school, only to get online today and find a whopping 2 jobs in my desired field. I have let everything go this last month, working 50 hr weeks to get it done. Now everything is a mess.

We are behind in our bills, and as usual are planning to use our hefty tax return to bail us out. God willing, there will be enough of it to spread around. Husband is on the couch all week, he has already put in a resume at a few places, and applied for unemployment benefits. Score Husband 2, me 0. My big accomplishment for the day was folding one load of laundry. Ha ha, so sad. 

I did finally get to drop my little gal off at preschool for the first time. My husband had set everything up during my last push for hours, and my friend who was watching the kids had taken her a few times. I had not even met the teachers yet, and when I dropped her off today she wouldn't let me go. I had never had a problem with that before, the other kids couldn't wait to get rid of me. So I stayed and watched her and her class eat breakfast before I made my big break for it.  She knew something was up, and I caught her watching me as I turned for the door, she immediately started screaming as I weakly said " I love you!!! Have a nice day!"  while I was running for the door.

Thankfully she was all smiles when I returned 3 hours later to get her.