Still learning all of lifes lessions, one day at a time.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
gym membership
It seems by fate or fortune I have a 2 week pass to a local women's gym. Their daycare leaves something to be desired, as there was approximately-10 one year old's ( all with snotty noses) wandering around whining looking for their mama's.
However, last night after math class I was able to sneak into a yoga class there. And let me tell you: It has been AWHILE since I have even attempted to do anything remotely coordinated. I used to, (about three children ago) stand in my living room and do the yoga on tape, thing. While hoping and praying my neighbors could not see through the curtains.
At any rate. It felt so good to stretch and bend my flab that I am entertaining the idea of getting a membership there. My body is not what it once was, and chasing lil ones around doesn't seem to burn the calories one might think. At very least it could give me an out. A quiet hour to myself a week, to do something nice for myself.
However, last night after math class I was able to sneak into a yoga class there. And let me tell you: It has been AWHILE since I have even attempted to do anything remotely coordinated. I used to, (about three children ago) stand in my living room and do the yoga on tape, thing. While hoping and praying my neighbors could not see through the curtains.
At any rate. It felt so good to stretch and bend my flab that I am entertaining the idea of getting a membership there. My body is not what it once was, and chasing lil ones around doesn't seem to burn the calories one might think. At very least it could give me an out. A quiet hour to myself a week, to do something nice for myself.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Still alive.
I feel like it is so unfair that I am still alive, when the best mother and friend that I know is not. So most days I feel like John Coffee in the Green Mile; a huge, over grown blubbering black man, begging to be put out of his misery. “They kill’s um with they kindness, boss.”
I can identify with that completely. I seem to alternate between that, and pretty much being a cynical ass. My poor family!
On my good days I am able to do things for people. Just little things like getting a guy who has locked his key’s in his car a hanger, or giving a person a lift to the gas station, or bringing a car load of food to a friend who needs it more than me.
It drives my husband nuts, but I remain convinced that he would do the same if given the opportunity. It is because he fears for my life and doesn’t wish to come home from a hard day at work to find me chopped up in the living room, that he gets annoyed.
Anyway it seems to validate that I am still alive and that I do still matter, even if it is just to do some random acts of kindness.
I don’t write as frequently as I should. Mostly because things are much the same, we do the day to day rituals that make time go by so quickly at times, also I am afraid of being a little crazy. As though by losing someone close to me I have somehow fragmented my soul , and am as a broken glass waiting for the right moment to leak and surprise some unsuspecting drinker.
Emotions have a way of finding your mind unaware and planning a sneak attack cry day, unbeknownst to you. It is amazing the stupid lines that a mind will draw in order to make sense of unimaginable loss.
I guess I best make the most of this life. It’s the only one I have.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Ominous psyce
Twisted thoughts float around my head about how unjust yet poetic life can be. The break down and re-build of the human psyce. Whatever don't kill you will make you stronger. No one said it would be easy. What are we to make of it all? Too much to keep track of, tired of being tested and judged. A tedious and tiresome process.
When luck turns to add laughter to my day my heart sings with joy and sadness. Every emotion plays a chorus on my emotionally exausted being. A blissful moment followed by a lifetime of regret and pain. The day to day tedious chores to be done just to make it through the day.
We work so hard for what? Whatever we get from life is who we are. It is all we can take with us. All we leave is the impact that we make on others. Everything else is bullshit.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Copy of 'math journal' entry-- sure hope teach has a sense of humor...oh wait. I DON'T CARE....
I remember why I hate math.
I seem to be able to do the work fine on the "study" side of the hub but when I move over to the testing part I do poorly, whether this is a result of my crappy math skills or nerves ( or both) who knows. It is, however, very frustrating.
Mon-5 hrs 2 attempts at quiz plus tutoring
Tuesday -2 hrs. at hub - failed the quiz again, and then proceded to stare blankly at computer screen and contemplate throwing it out the window.
Wendsday- Sat on couch and did everything I was supposed to do, except math.
Thursday - decided math wasen't going to do itself, but that I was an idiot and coulden't do it either. Thought about changing major to something having nothing to do with math, then realized it wouldent help.
Friday - Realizing pouting wasen't helping grade. stumbled upon work that I could do ( and possibly should have been doing all along???)
+2 more hours.
Plan:
(1)seek out anti-anxiety meds;(2) do discovered math work ( coulden't hurt); (3)find tutor
Sending journal entry early; convinced nobody reads them and that there is a fast forward button from Friday straight on through to Monday and it will not get done unless it is sent of today.
I seem to be able to do the work fine on the "study" side of the hub but when I move over to the testing part I do poorly, whether this is a result of my crappy math skills or nerves ( or both) who knows. It is, however, very frustrating.
Mon-5 hrs 2 attempts at quiz plus tutoring
Tuesday -2 hrs. at hub - failed the quiz again, and then proceded to stare blankly at computer screen and contemplate throwing it out the window.
Wendsday- Sat on couch and did everything I was supposed to do, except math.
Thursday - decided math wasen't going to do itself, but that I was an idiot and coulden't do it either. Thought about changing major to something having nothing to do with math, then realized it wouldent help.
Friday - Realizing pouting wasen't helping grade. stumbled upon work that I could do ( and possibly should have been doing all along???)
+2 more hours.
Plan:
(1)seek out anti-anxiety meds;(2) do discovered math work ( coulden't hurt); (3)find tutor
Sending journal entry early; convinced nobody reads them and that there is a fast forward button from Friday straight on through to Monday and it will not get done unless it is sent of today.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Isn't life grand?
For the first time in my stubborn existence I am doubting myself.
Doubting that I can do this, that I want to keep trying.
As it turns out, The University is ever so much harder then a local private college, go figure. And in my usual neurotic self defeatist style; I stacked the class schedule against myself.
So I am working from behind, way behind.
Sorry I have been MIA for so long, that is the reason. My "Spring looking up" post turned into an oh so busy reality, as so often seems to happen around these parts.
The kids are all healthy again, after a two week pink eye epidemic followed by a round of coughing fits. We were quarantined for most of it. Five screaming , fighting children and one tired unhappy mama are, oh so glad that's over.
I am currently going in every night this week to 'the hub' for math testing. It is slightly more painful then having each fingernail individually ripped off, and I am frightened to say that I may have to repeat the class.
Somewhere after failing the math test for the third time and drowning my misery by downing a whole bag of M&M's, time seemed to stand still and all I could hear was the beating of my heart.
When I looked up I realized that I had been staring at the screen for a good hour with out accomplishing anything.
Self improvement at its finest.
Doubting that I can do this, that I want to keep trying.
As it turns out, The University is ever so much harder then a local private college, go figure. And in my usual neurotic self defeatist style; I stacked the class schedule against myself.
So I am working from behind, way behind.
Sorry I have been MIA for so long, that is the reason. My "Spring looking up" post turned into an oh so busy reality, as so often seems to happen around these parts.
The kids are all healthy again, after a two week pink eye epidemic followed by a round of coughing fits. We were quarantined for most of it. Five screaming , fighting children and one tired unhappy mama are, oh so glad that's over.
I am currently going in every night this week to 'the hub' for math testing. It is slightly more painful then having each fingernail individually ripped off, and I am frightened to say that I may have to repeat the class.
Somewhere after failing the math test for the third time and drowning my misery by downing a whole bag of M&M's, time seemed to stand still and all I could hear was the beating of my heart.
When I looked up I realized that I had been staring at the screen for a good hour with out accomplishing anything.
Self improvement at its finest.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
spring? dare to dream??
Suffice to say the kid's did not get taken away. The social worker was late on her date to come back and I (ever the conspiracy theorist) deemed it a trap to catch us in the act of being a "normal family", the nerve!! LOL
At any rate, she came back and glanced around the house, apologized for being late and sayed she knew our kids weren't in any danger, or she would have been here sooner.Yeah, No shit!! But a relief just the same, to hear her say it.
I have enrolled for summer semester full time. I hope I can be a full time mama and a full time student again. This semester all of my classes are online and as I recall I didn't do so well with the online classes last time. It makes it easier for the summer to sneak in some homework whenever I can though, so a means to an end I guess.(I have always hated that mode of thinking!) And if I have to I can always run away to the library when the Husband gets home from work.
.It seems our situation has improved dramatically in the way of getting bills paid off and the house payment caught up, an immense relief. Dare I think that this year will improve? It has definitely been sucktastic this so far. I fear I may be struck down for hoping things will be better, and pessimistically wait for the next catastrophe.
With our new found "luck"-- We have managed to buy season tickets to the local amusement park!! Let me tell you that with 5 kiddos in tow that will definitely be an adventure for us all.. Fun, yeah that's what it'll be... : /
Maybe its just me being too much of a realist, but I foresee many panic attacks and head counts at the amusement park. Best to pack the xanex with the sunblock!But I figure as long as we can keep track of everyone we should have a pretty fun summer...assuming I don't go crazy that is. Well crazier.
At any rate, she came back and glanced around the house, apologized for being late and sayed she knew our kids weren't in any danger, or she would have been here sooner.Yeah, No shit!! But a relief just the same, to hear her say it.
I have enrolled for summer semester full time. I hope I can be a full time mama and a full time student again. This semester all of my classes are online and as I recall I didn't do so well with the online classes last time. It makes it easier for the summer to sneak in some homework whenever I can though, so a means to an end I guess.(I have always hated that mode of thinking!) And if I have to I can always run away to the library when the Husband gets home from work.
.It seems our situation has improved dramatically in the way of getting bills paid off and the house payment caught up, an immense relief. Dare I think that this year will improve? It has definitely been sucktastic this so far. I fear I may be struck down for hoping things will be better, and pessimistically wait for the next catastrophe.
With our new found "luck"-- We have managed to buy season tickets to the local amusement park!! Let me tell you that with 5 kiddos in tow that will definitely be an adventure for us all.. Fun, yeah that's what it'll be... : /
Maybe its just me being too much of a realist, but I foresee many panic attacks and head counts at the amusement park. Best to pack the xanex with the sunblock!But I figure as long as we can keep track of everyone we should have a pretty fun summer...assuming I don't go crazy that is. Well crazier.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Top 100 things that I love: no order
- Family- No contest.
- New challenges
- A good book
- Camping
- When the kids actually do what they are told the first time.
- Singing as loud as I can to my favorite song at a stoplight, and not caring if anyone hears.
- Looking at clouds trying to figure out what they "really" are.
- Writing thoughts and feelings
- Reading a story out loud to anyone, kids especially
- Baby giggles.
- The feeling of accomplishment after a hard days work.
- Learning something new
- Watching a good movie
- Lasagna
- Driving other people's cars
- New underwear- its a girl thing.
- Painting your toenails
- Eye contact with a stranger ( x10 if he's cute)
- Maintaining good relationships with everyone
- Rain
- Hiking
- Picnics
- "Make up" kisses
- Finding $$ in a pants pocket you didn't even know you had!
- Wind chimes
- Watching one child help another
- People watching
- Mp3 player full blast on favorite song
- Doing anything that betters yourself or the world in general
- Chess
- Climbing a tree
- Watching someone do something you know you couldn't do, and respecting them for it.
- Rock band
- Playing Basketball
- The brief second you look at yourself in the mirror and think you almost look good.
- Hanging out with your best girlfriend and having the time to "girl talk"
- Cloths fresh out of the drier
- Whistling back to the birds
- Getting all dressed up with no place to go
- Getting off work/or school early
- Chocolate cake
- Wind through your hair
- Days that a film comes over your eyes and your soal and you can only see, and feel good
- Seeing someone you haven't seen in a LONG LONG time.
- Bubble baths
- Tubing with the family
- Oreos and milk
- Green lights
- No traffic
- The ocean
- Fishing
- Water slides
- Having someone you love to share experiences with
- Full bottle of wine and friends to help you drink it
- Lazy mornings
- Dimples
- Friends that know what you are thinking, and don't have to ask
- Saying the same thing, at the same time as someone else
- Curling up by a fire in the winter when there is a blizzard outside
- Paydays
- When the house stays clean for more then ten minutes
- Flowers
- Going through old pictures and having the time to remember the stories that go with them
- Laughing at yourself
- Taking friends out for dinner and a movie
- Knowing that they will do the same for you when you most need it
- Making peace with the world around you
- Forgiving your parents for being human
- Accepting that the world is what you make of it
- Recognizing that there are no such thing as limits
- Breaking free from yourself
- Finding people who think like myself and learning from them
- The belief that all of us already know all of the answers to all of the questions we store inside our minds
- LIFE
- Fruit
- Kittens
- Singing in the shower
- Tattoos and their meanings
- A sudden great idea or solution to a problem
- Laughing to yourself when OTHER PEOPLE'S kids start acting up,
- Knowing your not alone when yours do.
- Achieving a goal
- Ice cream
- Helping anyone for any reason
- Foreign countries
- Amusement parks
- Alchohol after a long day
- Coffee the next morning
- Animal friends
- Yoga
- Sleeping in
- Clean sheets
- Realizing there are soo many adventures left you must have, and
- Having them
- Skydiving
- Enjoying the look on your kid's face after they have just tried something new
- Mowing the lawn
- The smell of dirt.
- Going to the store in PJ's
- Making pancakes for the ones you love.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
wait wait wait...clean clean clean....wait .....
We are still waiting for the nice lady to come back and deem us "good parents", the irony is that I am having to leave the baby screaming in her walker an extra miniute or two longer then I normally would to make sure all of the dishes are in the sink, or that all of the laundry -- a never ending battle-- is not laying around. I wish she would just come so we could get this overwith. I seriously clean my way out of rooms before I leave to go anywhere as though my home were a 'model home' and not a lived in thing.
I would be lying however, if I said I didden't like it this clean. I just hope maintaining it dosen't kill me.
Day before yesterday Husband, not only cooked dinner...BUT WASHED DISHES AFTERWARD!
I thought I would have a heart attack!! And his 'deal with it later' pile of crap in the yard --that I have been begging him to deal with for three years-- is gone!!!
It is true what they say, good things come from everything.
I still contend that it is freaken ridicules that anyone for any reason could phone child protective services and disrupt my life this way. It is a violation of privacy in the name of the children and their safty. Seriously. I have nothing to hide, it is very frustrating to feel so powerless though.
It dehumanizes people and suddenly makes everyone a bad guy. I don't want to let people into my home anymore. Even if it is clean, it is BS that some judgemental ass could step two feet into my home and decide, for whatever reason, that I should be investigated.
Maybe it is because I don't go to church? Or don't attend 'social functions' at school (sorry, but it is a little difficult to do that with a child strapped to your hip and another attempting to run down the hall and terrorize the school).
Maby the neighbors just wanted our yard clean, I couldn't blame them...but really??? WTF?
When people who have as many kids as I do start telling me my house is messy --and seriously, everyone who has the same amount of kids I do, who's house I have been in...has been way messier then mine--- Then I will listen. Maby. Until then....Please feel free to mind your own damn business or if there is an issue at least have the nerve to come and talk to a fellow human and tell me what is up. That is all.
I would be lying however, if I said I didden't like it this clean. I just hope maintaining it dosen't kill me.
Day before yesterday Husband, not only cooked dinner...BUT WASHED DISHES AFTERWARD!
I thought I would have a heart attack!! And his 'deal with it later' pile of crap in the yard --that I have been begging him to deal with for three years-- is gone!!!
It is true what they say, good things come from everything.
I still contend that it is freaken ridicules that anyone for any reason could phone child protective services and disrupt my life this way. It is a violation of privacy in the name of the children and their safty. Seriously. I have nothing to hide, it is very frustrating to feel so powerless though.
It dehumanizes people and suddenly makes everyone a bad guy. I don't want to let people into my home anymore. Even if it is clean, it is BS that some judgemental ass could step two feet into my home and decide, for whatever reason, that I should be investigated.
Maybe it is because I don't go to church? Or don't attend 'social functions' at school (sorry, but it is a little difficult to do that with a child strapped to your hip and another attempting to run down the hall and terrorize the school).
Maby the neighbors just wanted our yard clean, I couldn't blame them...but really??? WTF?
When people who have as many kids as I do start telling me my house is messy --and seriously, everyone who has the same amount of kids I do, who's house I have been in...has been way messier then mine--- Then I will listen. Maby. Until then....Please feel free to mind your own damn business or if there is an issue at least have the nerve to come and talk to a fellow human and tell me what is up. That is all.
Monday, March 14, 2011
To whom it may concern:
If my house is MESSY and/or JUNKY, does that mean that I DON'T LOVE AND TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS???
Here's a thought: MABY the house is messy BECAUSE I am cleaning up AFTER 6 OTHER PEOPLE, MABY the yard gets JUNKY because I cannot do EVERYTHING.
MABY the "WELL INTENTIONED" people who can make a phone call that can DEVISTATE A FAMILY should NOT BE SO JUDGEMENTAL or if they happen to be sincerly concerned ADRESS THE ISSUE WITH ME.
Here's a thought:
IF my dog is out ---TELL ME; Dont call the pound.
IF you are concerned for the WELL BEING of my CHILDREN-- PICK UP A BROOM, or ASK TO BABYSIT so that I can get more done.
DO NOT CALL CHILD PROTECITIVE SERVICES; I AM NOT A PEDOFILE. My house is NOT THAT MESSY, my kids are CLEAN, HAPPY, and WELL TAKEN CARE OF.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: If all it takes to rip a family apart is a phone call and an address... these are available for everyone to see on facebook.
I have not been able to look at anything regarding PARENTAL RIGHTS as I have been seriously busy cleaning my home. Anyone with any information on this is welcome to call, everyone else: THANKS in advance for the sympathy or whatever but I will take prayers and offers of help over sympathy ANYDAY of the week! PLEASE DON'T CALL I am BUSY, CLEANING and TAKING CARE OF MY KIDS.
Here's a thought: MABY the house is messy BECAUSE I am cleaning up AFTER 6 OTHER PEOPLE, MABY the yard gets JUNKY because I cannot do EVERYTHING.
MABY the "WELL INTENTIONED" people who can make a phone call that can DEVISTATE A FAMILY should NOT BE SO JUDGEMENTAL or if they happen to be sincerly concerned ADRESS THE ISSUE WITH ME.
Here's a thought:
IF my dog is out ---TELL ME; Dont call the pound.
IF you are concerned for the WELL BEING of my CHILDREN-- PICK UP A BROOM, or ASK TO BABYSIT so that I can get more done.
DO NOT CALL CHILD PROTECITIVE SERVICES; I AM NOT A PEDOFILE. My house is NOT THAT MESSY, my kids are CLEAN, HAPPY, and WELL TAKEN CARE OF.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: If all it takes to rip a family apart is a phone call and an address... these are available for everyone to see on facebook.
I have not been able to look at anything regarding PARENTAL RIGHTS as I have been seriously busy cleaning my home. Anyone with any information on this is welcome to call, everyone else: THANKS in advance for the sympathy or whatever but I will take prayers and offers of help over sympathy ANYDAY of the week! PLEASE DON'T CALL I am BUSY, CLEANING and TAKING CARE OF MY KIDS.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
What a long strange trip its been...
Anxiously awaiting spring. Damn Walmart for putting seeds and spring"ish" things in their store 2 months ahead of their usable date. Damn me for being too lazy to put up the green house. Guess I will have to get on that one soon, or live to regret it when I'm paying double or triple for grown plants.
We currently have plans to move a piss poor gazebo thing from our back yard, up to the house and turn it into a screen room for the summer. Shouldn't cost more then a few hundred dollars.
*fingers crossed* thinking we have the house BS figured out, so that would be AWESOME to not have that worry hanging over our heads!
It is no big shocker to anyone that I have been in a huge funk. Loosing a best friend will do that, to anyone I imagine. So I apologize for getting on here and sobbing to complete strangers, for some reason it seems easier then phoning a friend. I am usually not a real "touchy feally" person.
We currently have plans to move a piss poor gazebo thing from our back yard, up to the house and turn it into a screen room for the summer. Shouldn't cost more then a few hundred dollars.
*fingers crossed* thinking we have the house BS figured out, so that would be AWESOME to not have that worry hanging over our heads!
It is no big shocker to anyone that I have been in a huge funk. Loosing a best friend will do that, to anyone I imagine. So I apologize for getting on here and sobbing to complete strangers, for some reason it seems easier then phoning a friend. I am usually not a real "touchy feally" person.
That said, I am hoping to put myself back together again and I know I am, it just seems to be taking forever. Baby steps...I am hoping spring and the busyness it brings will be just what the Dr. ordered.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
1 MONTH
It has one month and 3 days since one of my best friends died.
It seems like an eternity while still seeming like the blink of an eye. I still think of calling her at least ten times a day to share something stupid, frustrating or funny with her. Only to remember in the same instant that I can't.
So I just smile because I know that she would understand, where ever she is, and that she is laughing with me. It is bittersweet.
It is comforting to hear her words echo in my head, telling me if I got rid of the things I don't need/use I wouldn't have to hunt for everything like a chicken with my head cut off. I am learning to listen to that voice of reason and simplify. ( but I still can't claim to be organized....lol sorry Melissa! ;)
Today is her oldest son's birthday. I had probably heard the story of how he was bornsomewhere between 20-300 times, in the two years I knew Melissa. She was so proud of her kids.
In the time, I was blessed enough to have her come and stay with my family to watch my kids, no small task, we had some good talks.
I wish I could remember all of them. I pluck out bits and pieces that I remember and treasure them like they were precious gems to be locked away. In one such talk she talked about how weird it was to have a teenager, and know that soon they would be gone, to their own life soon.
She knew that after his birthday she would have one more year with her son before she had a hard time catching up with him as he was, hopefully going on a mission. She really hoped that they could spend more time together this year.
Having just had the birthday of my own child I cannot imagine not being there for that. Or not having my mother for my birthday.
I could ramble about this all day, so I won't. Instead, I will go and get in the shower and start my day.
I will hope and pray that her children know how much they are loved everyday, by so many people. That her kids know how many lives their mother touched and how proud she was of them.
*and Meadowlark, give that grand baby some love from me, she sure does have one cool Grandma! ;) Thanks forwverything hon.
It seems like an eternity while still seeming like the blink of an eye. I still think of calling her at least ten times a day to share something stupid, frustrating or funny with her. Only to remember in the same instant that I can't.
So I just smile because I know that she would understand, where ever she is, and that she is laughing with me. It is bittersweet.
It is comforting to hear her words echo in my head, telling me if I got rid of the things I don't need/use I wouldn't have to hunt for everything like a chicken with my head cut off. I am learning to listen to that voice of reason and simplify. ( but I still can't claim to be organized....lol sorry Melissa! ;)
Today is her oldest son's birthday. I had probably heard the story of how he was bornsomewhere between 20-300 times, in the two years I knew Melissa. She was so proud of her kids.
In the time, I was blessed enough to have her come and stay with my family to watch my kids, no small task, we had some good talks.
I wish I could remember all of them. I pluck out bits and pieces that I remember and treasure them like they were precious gems to be locked away. In one such talk she talked about how weird it was to have a teenager, and know that soon they would be gone, to their own life soon.
She knew that after his birthday she would have one more year with her son before she had a hard time catching up with him as he was, hopefully going on a mission. She really hoped that they could spend more time together this year.
Having just had the birthday of my own child I cannot imagine not being there for that. Or not having my mother for my birthday.
I could ramble about this all day, so I won't. Instead, I will go and get in the shower and start my day.
I will hope and pray that her children know how much they are loved everyday, by so many people. That her kids know how many lives their mother touched and how proud she was of them.
*and Meadowlark, give that grand baby some love from me, she sure does have one cool Grandma! ;) Thanks forwverything hon.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The nightmare continues...
in this dream my husband gets laid off and is no longer searching for work, my best friend dies, and I may loose my home. Oh wait that's not a dream that is my pathetic life.
I just zoned out and chopped all of my hair off...What the hell is wrong with me? I am sure someone out in blog land has ten different psychoses and twenty little purple pills that will make it all go away.
My husband remains annoyingly optimistic for a guy who has been laid off and not looking for work for about two months.
Why is it that the one person who I would call ten times a day for stupid shit, who would not placate me and give me the canned answer 'that everything will be OK' has died.
How selfish is it of me to wish her here for my own stupid mental health, which has always been questioned anyway?
Anyone out there want to rent to some unemployed bum's with five kids, two dogs, four goats, and a cow?
I just zoned out and chopped all of my hair off...What the hell is wrong with me? I am sure someone out in blog land has ten different psychoses and twenty little purple pills that will make it all go away.
My husband remains annoyingly optimistic for a guy who has been laid off and not looking for work for about two months.
Why is it that the one person who I would call ten times a day for stupid shit, who would not placate me and give me the canned answer 'that everything will be OK' has died.
How selfish is it of me to wish her here for my own stupid mental health, which has always been questioned anyway?
Anyone out there want to rent to some unemployed bum's with five kids, two dogs, four goats, and a cow?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
balance is an art I have yet to master.
Kids still have to go to school, the super bowl stops for no man, and things around here have been OK.
I went to the kid's parent teacher conferences, always a joy. Made some munchies for the super bowl and proceeded to stuff my face and wait for the commercials, even had my mom and brother over.
We are hanging by a thread. A thin, over stretched, swaying tight rope. Waiting.
I wonder how many other family's depend on getting a tax refund to pay off the debt they have accumulated over the year? Too many I am sure. This is the year I cut up the credit cards. FOR GOOD. I am sick of finally getting a break, and thinking that we might be able to get ahead only to realize that filling your own debt hole is not getting a break.
It is sad, and we did it to ourselves.
The job hunt continues. Husband went to SLC yesterday to take a test for an electromechanics job, working on the trax train the pay would be awesome. He doesn't seem to think he did very well on the test though, so only time will tell. Me...I don't know what I am going to do. I had it all figured out, Melissa and I were going to conquer the world...or at least the school. I don't know if I can do it alone. I am thinking I will start over at the university taking their prereqs to buy me time to pull my head out of my butt. It may take awhile.
I went to the kid's parent teacher conferences, always a joy. Made some munchies for the super bowl and proceeded to stuff my face and wait for the commercials, even had my mom and brother over.
We are hanging by a thread. A thin, over stretched, swaying tight rope. Waiting.
I wonder how many other family's depend on getting a tax refund to pay off the debt they have accumulated over the year? Too many I am sure. This is the year I cut up the credit cards. FOR GOOD. I am sick of finally getting a break, and thinking that we might be able to get ahead only to realize that filling your own debt hole is not getting a break.
It is sad, and we did it to ourselves.
The job hunt continues. Husband went to SLC yesterday to take a test for an electromechanics job, working on the trax train the pay would be awesome. He doesn't seem to think he did very well on the test though, so only time will tell. Me...I don't know what I am going to do. I had it all figured out, Melissa and I were going to conquer the world...or at least the school. I don't know if I can do it alone. I am thinking I will start over at the university taking their prereqs to buy me time to pull my head out of my butt. It may take awhile.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The funeral.
The funeral was hard, I took the kids, making it harder. Everything was beautiful, seen many friends I would love to see again under better circumstances. Her family seems to be healing well, many of them spoke. Telling stories of the many fun and funny things Melissa had done.They were witty, just like her.
Her daughter got up on the podium and spoke of how much she was going to miss her mother, and how she knew she would see her again. Not a dry eye in the house.
Her casket was Mary Kay pink.
Last summer she talked about nothing else, but earning that damn pink Cadillac. I am pretty sure, she was thinking a faster model, but she hardly has a need for that now.
My roller coaster seems to be evening out a bit. Mostly I just miss my friend.
It is easy to get wrapped up in day to day things and not realize what we have anymore, until something like this comes along to rattle our cages and remind us how fragile, and precious life is.
Every day is a gift, you can give back or let it go but there may not be another. Carpe diem.
Kiss the ones you love let them know how much you treasure them. Squeeze them tight and tell them you love them.
Her daughter got up on the podium and spoke of how much she was going to miss her mother, and how she knew she would see her again. Not a dry eye in the house.
Her casket was Mary Kay pink.
Last summer she talked about nothing else, but earning that damn pink Cadillac. I am pretty sure, she was thinking a faster model, but she hardly has a need for that now.
My roller coaster seems to be evening out a bit. Mostly I just miss my friend.
It is easy to get wrapped up in day to day things and not realize what we have anymore, until something like this comes along to rattle our cages and remind us how fragile, and precious life is.
Every day is a gift, you can give back or let it go but there may not be another. Carpe diem.
Kiss the ones you love let them know how much you treasure them. Squeeze them tight and tell them you love them.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The book.
You may or may not have noticed that I randomly posted a picture of a book entitled "All mom's go to heaven" By Dean Hughes. There is a reason.
My timeline is so off for the last few days, but I will spare you the talking in circles it would take me to try to figure it out and just start with "one morning".
So, one morning I woke up and mangaged to drag myself out of bed, I went straight to the coffee pot as usual. Poured, and happened to glance over to the part of the counter that turns into a crap heap, no matter how hard I try to keep it clean...
And there it was this book All moms go to heaven. It was propped up with facing out, just as if some one had placed it there on a stand so as to make sure I seen it.--This is the part were I ask you to scroll down, and actually look at the picture on the cover.The picture looks like her. Only better in real life then in a tiny copyed from google picture.-- I had carried it with me for 2 months in my purse, Melissa read it already and had borrowed it from her mom, and loaned it to me to read.
I had gotten so busy that I completely forgot about it.
I don't believe in coincidences. So after yet another round of tears I took the coffee, & book back to bed, and stayed there until I had finished them both.
The upshot was that the book did pertain to me, and another of my friends. So I drove it over to her, and when she is done I might pass it to another friend ( but not before I take a copy of the cover, for myself.) Sort of do a 'traveling pants' kind of thing. Melissas gone, and she is still taking care of us. That is so her.
I have put my blog ( Ugh I hate that, can't we just call it an online journal or something?) link on face book, don't know if anyone will care to come. Don't care really, I have decided that friends will think the sun shines on your ass no matter what you do, and people who aren't friends...well get the hell of my page! ;)
My timeline is so off for the last few days, but I will spare you the talking in circles it would take me to try to figure it out and just start with "one morning".
So, one morning I woke up and mangaged to drag myself out of bed, I went straight to the coffee pot as usual. Poured, and happened to glance over to the part of the counter that turns into a crap heap, no matter how hard I try to keep it clean...
And there it was this book All moms go to heaven. It was propped up with facing out, just as if some one had placed it there on a stand so as to make sure I seen it.--This is the part were I ask you to scroll down, and actually look at the picture on the cover.The picture looks like her. Only better in real life then in a tiny copyed from google picture.-- I had carried it with me for 2 months in my purse, Melissa read it already and had borrowed it from her mom, and loaned it to me to read.
I had gotten so busy that I completely forgot about it.
I don't believe in coincidences. So after yet another round of tears I took the coffee, & book back to bed, and stayed there until I had finished them both.
The upshot was that the book did pertain to me, and another of my friends. So I drove it over to her, and when she is done I might pass it to another friend ( but not before I take a copy of the cover, for myself.) Sort of do a 'traveling pants' kind of thing. Melissas gone, and she is still taking care of us. That is so her.
I have put my blog ( Ugh I hate that, can't we just call it an online journal or something?) link on face book, don't know if anyone will care to come. Don't care really, I have decided that friends will think the sun shines on your ass no matter what you do, and people who aren't friends...well get the hell of my page! ;)
Monday, January 31, 2011
muddeling through
I have been wandering as if through a fog inside my own mind for 3 of the longest days of my life. Every time I think I am alright, even for an hour, I see something that reminds me of her. And I start all over again. I think I am getting better though. I can almost go 2 hours now.
I told my kids that Melissa had passed away and was an angel in heaven watching us. They didn't seem to understand, they are young and their only experiences with death have been with older people.
Yesterday the walls were closing in on me at home and I had to get away. I ended up at my cousins house, same place I usually go when I run off. Her very wonderful mother in law who loves my kids as though they were her own grandchildren, was there.
She noticed that Charlotte (my middle girl) had gotten her hair cut, and commented on how cute it was. Charlotte from across the room came over to announce that "Melissa was dead." It was Melissa who had cut her hair, just weeks ago.
Last night she came into my room and said she had a bad dream. I asked her what it was about, and she told me it was about "Lissa" in a room that wasn't a bedroom, with flowers. And she was dead. I asked her if the room looked like a church, and she looked at me like "how did I know that!" and said "YA!"
I think she understands now. :( The funeral is Wednesday and I had been debating on whether or not to take the younger kids. Guess they are going.
There have been so many things that could not be a coincidence. I could write about them all day, but I won't. I really do like to keep some things private, to myself. Like a secret memory just for me. I hope that doesn't sound entirely selfish, but I don't care too much if it does.
Melissa was a rare kind of person. The kind of person that you could have coffee with one afternoon and feel as though you have known all of your life. She was so warm, fun and full of life. She was a big girl and had a tough life, but she would have done anything she could have to help anyone, and often did. Even at the expense of her own family. She believed firmly in teaching by example.
I hate it when someone dies and they instantly become an innocent having never done wrong, it dehumanizes them. Having put much thought into it I still can not really think of anything negative.
She was stubborn, but she had a wonderful sense of fairness. One thing that I admired and love about her was that she could say the things that I never could. She could, to use her favorite saying: " tell 'um where the bear shits in the woods."
Meaning that she could be assertive without being abiotch, say what she had to say but somehow it always came out in a nice way, even when it was something that you didn't want to hear.
She was fiercely protective of her kids, family, and friends. Which included damn near everyone she met. She was genuine, never fake. Never one way with one set or friends and one way with another. God I loved that about her.
Even as I sob and type and try to see through tear soaked eyes and glasses. I still can't believe she is gone. I am so grateful for every minute with her.
I would get home after working a 12 hour shift and she would tell me all about what my kids did that day. We would talk like we hadn't seen each other in years, much to the annoyment of my husband in the same room trying to hear is shows. He loved her too though. Every one did.
I told my kids that Melissa had passed away and was an angel in heaven watching us. They didn't seem to understand, they are young and their only experiences with death have been with older people.
Yesterday the walls were closing in on me at home and I had to get away. I ended up at my cousins house, same place I usually go when I run off. Her very wonderful mother in law who loves my kids as though they were her own grandchildren, was there.
She noticed that Charlotte (my middle girl) had gotten her hair cut, and commented on how cute it was. Charlotte from across the room came over to announce that "Melissa was dead." It was Melissa who had cut her hair, just weeks ago.
Last night she came into my room and said she had a bad dream. I asked her what it was about, and she told me it was about "Lissa" in a room that wasn't a bedroom, with flowers. And she was dead. I asked her if the room looked like a church, and she looked at me like "how did I know that!" and said "YA!"
I think she understands now. :( The funeral is Wednesday and I had been debating on whether or not to take the younger kids. Guess they are going.
There have been so many things that could not be a coincidence. I could write about them all day, but I won't. I really do like to keep some things private, to myself. Like a secret memory just for me. I hope that doesn't sound entirely selfish, but I don't care too much if it does.
Melissa was a rare kind of person. The kind of person that you could have coffee with one afternoon and feel as though you have known all of your life. She was so warm, fun and full of life. She was a big girl and had a tough life, but she would have done anything she could have to help anyone, and often did. Even at the expense of her own family. She believed firmly in teaching by example.
I hate it when someone dies and they instantly become an innocent having never done wrong, it dehumanizes them. Having put much thought into it I still can not really think of anything negative.
She was stubborn, but she had a wonderful sense of fairness. One thing that I admired and love about her was that she could say the things that I never could. She could, to use her favorite saying: " tell 'um where the bear shits in the woods."
Meaning that she could be assertive without being abiotch, say what she had to say but somehow it always came out in a nice way, even when it was something that you didn't want to hear.
She was fiercely protective of her kids, family, and friends. Which included damn near everyone she met. She was genuine, never fake. Never one way with one set or friends and one way with another. God I loved that about her.
Even as I sob and type and try to see through tear soaked eyes and glasses. I still can't believe she is gone. I am so grateful for every minute with her.
I would get home after working a 12 hour shift and she would tell me all about what my kids did that day. We would talk like we hadn't seen each other in years, much to the annoyment of my husband in the same room trying to hear is shows. He loved her too though. Every one did.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
blech
My mouth feels so dry. Have I cried so much in the last 24 hours that I could have dehydrated? Is that even possible?
I try to seek out monotony through facebook only to find an open chat window and a barrage of well meaning posts in memorial to my friend.
All I want to do is think about something else. To wake up from this terrible and twisted nightmare, and not have to relay and relive it to everyone I know.
I try to seek out monotony through facebook only to find an open chat window and a barrage of well meaning posts in memorial to my friend.
All I want to do is think about something else. To wake up from this terrible and twisted nightmare, and not have to relay and relive it to everyone I know.
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